so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
