You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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