sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
