Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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