that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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