all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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