i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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