i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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