You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Someone shattered a urinal.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
