I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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