Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
