He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
