shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
what the fuck happened to the tacos
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
