I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
