we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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