Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize