I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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