Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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