and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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