Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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