i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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