I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
