dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
