I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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