her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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