All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
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I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize