You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Reggie can tackle my bush.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
