I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
