The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize