i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
