i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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