i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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