you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
