Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
