i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
