god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.