I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!