I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
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He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death