So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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