I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
