i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
