Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
