Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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