I'm going to jail i love you
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
