Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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