Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
