Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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