What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I touched a dick in church today
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
