I checked into jail on foursquare
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
