I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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