You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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