Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
