I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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