this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
