nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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