The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
