I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
