he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
